Let's Ring In This Bitch

This year will be MY year.

I want to fall in love, I want to go crazy. I want to make a name for myself, I want to make memories that will last forever. I want to prance around a beach in a bikini with not a care in the world. I want to show those up that told me I could never succeed. I want to run through the streets of the world, laughing all the way.

I will be remembered.

I'm on fire--drunk with adrenaline. This is my favorite part.

We are who we make ourselves, and I will become unstoppable.

Round and round and round I'll go. Where I'll stop--never.

This is for all those girls....

I love you sexy bitches who read my blog, and tell me that they love it. You all are little dearie pops..

Food: wow. all I can say is WOW. and in a good way. I went to the mall and the movies (aka the fat farm) and ended up at a GREAT 1300 cals today. AMAZING. I had a chikfila meal--my skinny friend got fries AND a huge ass milkshake fml--and we split a bag of sour patch kids for the movie. that, plus the skinny cow cheese (35 cals) I had at home gave me roughly 1300 cals for today, and I have done my jogging and stuff.

I lost two pounds.

Inspiration!

Emma Roberts. Look at that thigh gap. Its people like her that make me very aware of mine :/

Life: O wow. Its redick. Molly basically hates my fatty guts--she texted me this morning and was like "you suck bitch. why didnt you invite me to the movies. and i hate you and you are a lousy friend"

and I was like score, prime opportunity to end this friendship, so I went on and told her that she was unsupportive of my ED and always made fun of me and was a shit friend, and that I was standing up for myself for once.

shes like waah wwaaahh wahhh I have ISSEWWS erin! ur a lame cocksucker (wtf??) and i am soo done with you i have more friends blah blach blach

I was tempted to tell her how much people dislike her, but that would hurt more than a stiletto to the balls, so I was like, stop blaming others for leaving you and see why they are leaving you.

...

Basically it ended up with me freaking out because she was like Im suicidal! I have depression! and I got worried and was like, I only want the best for you and our friendship is not helping either of our mental heath.

"Oh god dont freak out I was just jk. I dont hurt myself ur the one thats crazy."

I could literally, literally go to 7 Eleven and drown myself in their smoothie machine. Just go, stick my head under there and die. In red goo.

But I bought a really really cute skirt today, and its PERFECT for New Years so no, I'll save dying for something serious. Like....if I ever break my leg and can't go jogging.

IDK why my room always takes pics in these fucky yellow lights. its black, and sequiny. and short. like, I cant bend down short. Its festive!

Work tomorrow--and there is a Hoes N Ceos party on saturday that I will prolly go to.

UM I love you all, and die for your comments. Please keep being so wonderful!

PS creeper boy asked me for a pic so I gave him one, and hes like, "how many per day can you get?" I told him that one treat is fine for now, thank you very much.

xxxxooooo

omfg

Food: Blah blah blah fineee. I slept in until 11:30 (00ps) so there was no jog this morning. I ate like,,,1100 cals which is less than you need for sedentary living so that's good.

Inspiration!!!

Camilla Belle

Today was....kinda dumb again.  Actually it was bullshit.

On the bright side, my life is getting more exciting!!!! YAY.

(God Im watching Cops right now and every five seconds there's like a commerical for Oprah's new channel. GO AWAY. youre fat and rich and I already know that, so eff off, bitch.)

Ummm...I went to Toy's R Us and nearly died walking through a puddle--messy shit, someone should clean it UP!!--and got a mug and a video game for presents lol.

I really wanted to get an exercise vid so I went to Target but all they had was Billy Blanks.

Observe: the man who haunted my fifth grade gym class

lolololol he did shoulder rolls in this thing too

Casey--the guy who is texting me--is getting on my nerves. He asks weird questions too. He's nice but..idk if I would want to go out. He obviously does but I don't really curr. Haha, last time I texted him I told him I had sniffed mouse poison (I did. I thought it was rabbit food) and he hasnt replied bwahahahahah. Need me to scare off a guy?? I'm here for you.

M is batshit crazy. (this ugly shit color will represent her quotes)  She's all up on me like "new years! brunch at bob evans!! ooohhh!!" and I had already told her I was going to be having dinner at my house, (plus I dont wanna gooo....) but she ended up asking like 50 damn questions like, "who is the dinner for? what is on new years?  come over after dinner! when is your new years dinner?"

SHUTTUP. If I were Harry Potter, I would slap her so hard with  Silencing curse, bitch couldnt blink.

Then she asked if I was doing anything tomorrow (she knew, because rachel had put it up of The Facebook) and i was like...movies, I  think.

"OHH WITH WHOOOO?????? "

Rachel, I think,

and then she goes and asks rachel. HAHAHAHA bet she didnt count on rachel telling me HAHAHAHAHA

I'm done. God, you all are amazing for reading these long posts everyday. I need to learn how to summarize haha.

Lots of Love!

PS pray for my friend--she got commited to inpatient again :( poor thing

Haha...yesterday I was at 69 posts.  Bwahahahahahahaha.....* sigh *
Inspiration!!

Kate Bosworth. Perfect tan, perfect hair, perfect back. * Drools *

Food: Bangin' I didnt lose weight this morning though. Not sure why...Makes me sad. Anyway, I had a yogurt for brekkie, and a pb sammich for lunch, and then two mini rolls and three fries and a grilled chix salad for dinner.
Wow, that actually sounds like a lot. EW. But I did exercise on the tready today, PLUS I had work, so I was moving my ass around all day...I felt so fat.

Life: Kinda ballsy.

Remember how bitchy M was yesterday? Well today she was like "why are you such a bitch to me" and I was like "OMG soooooo sorry! I have been soooooo hectic lately and Ikr??I was SUCH a bitch!!! Totes gonna be nicer now. LOVE YA."

FUCK.

And that guy? Who got my number? STALKER!!! He hasnt stopped texting all day and was like, you  wanna go fourwheeling now??

First of all, honey, I dont know you well enough. talk to me for a week and come to a football game to hang and THEN we can go fourwheeling.

Secondly, what if he was like, a fugly perv? (I know hes not because my friend knows him) I dont just go chilling with every homeskillet that I meet on The Facebook.

Ahhh, plus Meg--my friend--says he's kinda...I dont know how to explain it...Excitable. I don't know.

Going to do some sit ups and play Pokemon lol. Im sooo bored. I need to have real friends that I can stand in more than two hour doses. Meg fits that criteria but she lives kinda far away.

AAHHHH HE IS TEXTING AGAIN!!! AND HE LIKES CARS!!!!!! Quick, whats a manual trans so I can tell him whether my car has one or not??? Is it like a stick???? Just call it a damn stick, then!!!

Love youuuu.

Anti-Gain

Gorgeous girl of the day:

Victoria Justice--has perfect legs.

Food: Good again! I went out to dinner but I cut back majorly on the dressing for my salad--it was low fat too, and I did my jogging as well.

Hopefully I will lose another pound this morning, which I did do today, but only because I had overeaten over the holidays and  I did good yesterday. My face looks less bloated, which is good as well.

I just don't want to gain sooooo bad. I think I am restarting in my restricting mindset. I just, I dont know, go through phases.  And I can feel that restricting feeling coming back again, little by little.

It wouldnt be bad if I did, because I met a really cute guy today heggy ho :) He's nineteen and goes to college--Kansas, I think?--but he's here for break and ahhh he asked for my number and I just got kinda happy. Because I've never had a guy tell me openly that he liked me (except for a boy in like, third grade, and this really weird fat guy that has had a crush on every walking vagina on earth) and for once, he seems really sweet and like someone I could go out with.

It's pretty nice.

but alfdasffadfjlf whenever I see a friend of mine talking to a guy on Facebook or through texting, they always like, go back and delete what they said about 20320934 times before they send something, and I just kind of typed and sent. I hope I didnt scare him off, gosh.


Sorry for being really boring lately. If things with this guy keep up--fingers crossed!--then maybe my life will be something to blog about.

In the  meantime--enjoy the pics!

PAH yeah I forgot. Molly--she will be known as "M", in case she cyber-creeps and finds my blog-- invited me to go sledding with her today, and I dont really want to because A. I am trying to distance myself from her (too much baaaadd energy, if that makes a turd of sense) and B. I FUCKING HATE THE SNOW. its so wet, and cold, and makes my nose run, and is...cold.

So here is how our conversation went:

Me: I dont think I can go
Her: what

(time span of thirty seconds in which I allow myself to take a piss)
Her: Hello?

Me: (Pissed because she cant give me a damn second to myself, and she treats nobody else this shitty) Jesus christ sorry. I cant go because we are having a family dinner party (half true). Sorry I took a piss.

Her: why are you in such a bad mood?

Me:(after rolling around on the ground..jk...regretting ever starting up a friendship with her, thinking about bitching her out but deciding to just play the part of the weak friend again)sorry. im just angry that I cant go sledding.

I am so so so so so so sick of I don't know what--teenage girls. Thank god there are some friendly, mature, and honest girls on here, or otherwised I would be talking to my stuffed animals or something.

Have a good day lovely ladies

XXOO

Rebirth

Food: I can actually say I am happy with what I ate. I missed breakfast but jogged in on my tready anyway, and had about...900 ish cals for the rest of the day.
SO FREAKIN HAPPY.

Inspiration!

Gemma Ward. My favorite model in existence. She's playing a mermaid in the next Pirates movie!!!

watching Housewives of Beverly Hills right now--guilty pleasure. my mom and I like to watch it and laugh at the plastic surgery jobs some of these chicas have.

Have a splitting headache and have been inside all day. ALL DAY. It's snowing amazingly hard in Maryland right now, and we can't go anywhere. Needless to say, I want the holidays to be over and get my ass out to see Black Swan.

Plus I am almost out of SoBe and I NEEEEED it to survive. xD


I think I smell. I need to exfoliate, but I did paint my nails today and watch Fat Camp on MTV, which was really inspiring. I mean, some of those people were around 130, so it made me feel kind of shitty.

Not much to say today, as not much happened, but I did post more pictures on my page so take a look.

Thanks for sticking with me--I woke up  today with two new followers. You guys are the B-E-S-T.

xxoo

PS I read the Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins today...a must read. GO GET IT NOW!!

Fat Saturday

Food: TOO MUCH

I officially hate how all holidays revolve around food. I look like a beached whale, my face is all swelly, and there are little sour patch kids walking around my room, singing, "eat me! I'm so deliciously sweet!"

Thank goodness a rerun of House with Olivia Wilde is on right now. Holiday edition! Can you put Hugh Laurie in a Santa Suit for me?? Gracias.

Damn good haul this year. Got a really amazing Canon camera--which I used to take pictures of all my luverly gifts.

VS undies! this is possibly the best pair of undies ever

Shoes from my grandma. I picked them out, but hey!

Hello Kitty dress up dolly! In her ballet outfit, of course!

stickers from shopkawaii.com

Hello Kitty Makeup case and some makeup from Sephora inside it

Tangled calendar he he a thinspo for every month

I also got an art book by Amy Brown, who is an amazing artist who draws faeries from my uncle, and some assorted pens and post it notes.

I organized my underwear drawer and my nail polishes so today was successful....Except for the food. My mom is being great--she said that we can be "diet buddies" for the next week. She isnt trying to lose weight, but she is trying to cut back sweets and she says she will help me as I try to not eat too much.

Nice of her.

NOW I have some questions for you, if you arent feverish with christmas exhaustion and holiday goodies, that is.
What was your favorite part about the holiday?
What are you looking forward to doing in the last few days of 2010?
and finally, what are you most looking forward to about 2011? (I must say, for me its the promise of Tangled on DVD and a skinnier me.)

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Eloise at Christmastime

On the 12 days of Christmas the 'Bury gave to me..... 12 cans of natty, 11 times the scheming, 10 days off school, 9 nights of lying, 8 nights of cruising, 7 nights of puking, 6 beers til fucking, 5 CONDOM RIIIINGS, 4 packed bowls, 3 big mistakes, 2 blow jobs, and a citation at a partyyyy.

Food: Christmasy. Nuff said

My inspiration!

Natalie Portman

I love love love Eloise at the Plaza.
(Eloise18, I love you too, dear)

Watching it right now with my mommy after I just ate my weight in cinnamon rolls (I made them myself). I did pretty well at dinner, but dessert always gets me. OOOGHGGG.

Can someone stitch my mouth up for me? Tape my lips together so I can't eat anymore? Not eating ever again would be so much easier.
I dont know if you have thought about this...I do often, because my mother tells me that I can get over my ED because drug addicts can get over their addictions...It seems unfair to have an ED, because unlike heroin and coke, humans NEED food to live. You dont need a line of coke to function, but you do need food. So it isnt like you can just quit cold turkey--everything is about food!!!

That's just a little thoughtlet of mine.
I'll probably end up an alcoholic as well, because my whole family is permanently chained to a can of Guinness, so maybe Ill have to be a tee-totaler.

At least I have Eloise to keep me smiling--and you dearie pies of course.
I believe I want to dye my hair the color of Eloise's. Its this perfect light blond---and I will get it done at an organic salon I just found, so I wont have frizzy split ends.



My current hairz




Eloizeez hairz

 It isnt a terrible difference, but its a change. And I wear a lot of black, and I just LOOOBE the look of pale skin and pale hair with the contrast of black.

Molly called me today. At dinnertime. On Christmas Eve. What the haeeeeell is wrong with that child?

You loverly people have a fantastic christmas eve, and make sure to sprinkle some oats outside for those reindeer.

PS have any of you seen black swan? I havent found the time yet to go see it, but I am just dying to see it.

It's Christmas Eve, EVE!

I don't have much to say.

I feel rather fat and useless.

I love you all more than you can imagine.

Thank you all for being here, for being you, and for doing what you do to make me feel less crazy and less alone.

<3

The Hidden Kiss

Watching Peter Pan. I wish I lived in Neverland, and had a hidden kiss in the corner of my mouth like Wendy does.

I cant think of anything attractive about me.

EW Molly gave me a hideous set of xmas presents. cheapo fishnet tights (theyre like, almost made out of yarn) and these GROSS hot pink blue and purple leopard print tights. Does a girl with reddish hair wear pink? Hot pink, of all things?
NO

She went on yesterday about my "type". As in guys. I was like, wtf do you care? are you in love with me? is someone paying you to ask me this?
She told me no, that she was just trying to get me a boyfriend so I would stop moaning about it.

I only say I wish I had a bf when she goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on....

sorry. I think I fell asleep.

and on about her failed relationships, and the only thing I can think of to say is "god, at least you had a nice boyfriend." because I dont fucking care about ralph and josh who she didnt even have a relationship.

blah blah blah.

Thank you all for being so lovely, and putting pu with my bitching.

Eloise--I added more pictures, dear!

I Throw My Hands Up in the Air Sometimes

EW I had regular cal soda at work. Nice start, Erin. But I was sooo thirsty! Now that I am fat, I get hot really fast, but I feel to fat to take off my big ol coat so I get even hotter and nastier and its just all really bad.

Church where my cousin performed

Good day otherwise. Saw my cousin in his little play! He was so cute--he kept shushing the girl behind him when she was singing. Some poor child started to cry during "up on the housetop" and a teacher had to come yank her off stage.

Right now I am not doing my homework, but watching "river monsters: unhooked" on aminal planet. this is what I get for having a little brotherrrr..

Ugly Xmas Sweater Partaaay tomorrow! Gonna go steal a sweater from the SalVal or my grandma (but I wont tell her what it is for) and wear a mini with it.

Highlight of my day: I was getting out of my car and remembered that I left my cell on the dash. SOO I turn around to run like hell back to my car and I slip on a patch of ice and go ass up in the air and land on my head. I think I lost more brain cells, which is not good, because I need those brain cells to get into a good college :0000

I would have laughed if someone got it on film though, but I do have a big bruise on my butt.

Lilah Lee: NOO I have not seen the Runaways! I really want to, but I always forget to get it on Netflix. I will make myself remember!!!

It's me you guys, falling down!!! (No not really but this chick does fall down)

Thanks for reading you guys, and cheers to another good day!!

Day Two

Yeah thats right--yesterday was pretty cool, foodwise. Lowest cals I've had in a while!

So far I have had a yogurt. I forgot to wake up to do my jogging, but I burn like 300 cals doing that so I am just not eating 300 cals that I usually do today.

PLUS I work, so that's cool.

Ummm, not much to say this early in the morning (its only 8:30 am here) but I am off to see my little cousin's christmas program in a bit. He is quite the firecracker, so it should be really intersting.

Pic of the Day!!! Dakota Fanning. She's my age also, and obvs she is pretty skinnah.

AHHFDJLSF my grandma is here dash away to Wicomico Day School, tra la la!!!

New Day

Today is my first day of really eating to lose weight. In honor of that, I figured I'd better put up some measurements and some pics, just to motivate me even more and track my progress.

Soo here's me...taken like three seconds ago.



ewwwww grodi front view



ewww icky icky side view

Sorry for blinding y'all.

Measurements:
Belly Button: 34 inches
Waist: 29.5 inches
Boobs: 35 inches
Thighs: 21 inches
Calves: 12 inches
Arms (above elbow): 10 inches

Yeah, I kinda went mad with the measurements, but I want to know exactly where I lose weight and when. I know that I want my waist down at least 3 inches--actually I want everything down at least three inches, but my goal for my belly button is like, 28 inches. I dont know what that will look like but that is my goal for right now.

I will weigh in every Wednesday--and measure every other Wednesday, so I will keep you all updated.

To cap this off, here  is a picture of my lovely thinspo for the day:

Taylor Momsen. Yeah, I hear she's a bitch, but she's my age and she's TINY. I love her body, so she's pretty much going to be my thinspo for my diet <3

Sticky Fingers

 Gorgeous Girl for Today: Natalia Vodianova

Food: bad. I mean, i prolly had about 1500 cals but the sad thing is that 500 of those cals were normal foods and the rest was a shitload of cookies at my grandma's house.

I'm done with putting weight loss off for a day--this starts now. I stopped binging and have had no urges to binge, but my average eating days are just too picky-picky and cal laden to help me lose weight--and sometimes maintain a normal weight.

Tomorrow, I am going on my new food plan--1200 cals max and some form of good, sweat-inducing exercise each day. I've been good with my jogging and I haven't skipped a day, but I need to start working on my abs and my arms AND my thighs.

I looked in the mirror this morning and literally turned away in disgust because I could not believe what I was seeing and how fat I have gotten. 130 lbs if you all don't know. I am at  my high weight!!!!!!! I am still okay for my weight loss plan, only if I lose 2 or more lbs this week. Hopefully I will, because I am going to work my fat ass off.

You lovely people are all inspirations and thinspirations alike. I am so glad that I had the chance to come into contact with you, and I will remember this point in my life with all the support that I got from the wonderful people on here. I know that with your kindness and my MANLY WILLPOWER I will meet my goals.

PS you guys will too. 

Thanks for being here.

Christmas Makes Me Fat

Food: COOOOKIIIEEEE MONSTERRRRRR (bad weekend. my last meal was spaghetti carbonara. the shit has BACON in it. I only ate half but STILL. BACON SPAGHETTI)


My Celeb Inspo for the Day: Olivia Wilde!! Not only has she starred on House with the uber sexy Hugh Laurie, she is a Maxim babe and has the most fabbity cheekbones I have ever seen <3
Love you Livvy.

I'm thinking about going blonde. I've never dyed my hair before, so I'm kind of nervous about how it will turn out. What if my hair is never the same original color again? what if I look like crap? What if it comes out ORANGE!!???

It's worth a shot. OH I took a step forward today: I wore something other than my big bulky north face jacket. I usually only wear that because it is the only thing that covers up my big ol tummy, but today I was feeling good enough to wear a gray knit sweater over my journalism tee.

Molly is being even more of a bitch. She tagged some seriously fug  pictures of me on facebook and was a majorly rude yesterday. just because we are "friends" doesnt mean she can treat me like shit.
aldfjgogbn

I want a boyfriend. I am pathetic. But I really want a boyfrannnnn....Just someone to sit the hell down with me and watch TV and go have snow angel making days and make shrinky dinks.


ahh. can you tell how cracked up I am?? I need to detox from all this sugar--hopefully I will still be on track for my weight loss.
If I lose a pound a week for 30 weeks, I will be down to 100 pounds on June 25, 2011. THAT is assuming that I dont gain anything, or lose more than one pound a week. I am kind of hoping that I lose like, two pounds a week, but only time will tell.

Putting up some new thinspo pics on my page! Have a lovely day/afternoon/evening/morning/night...I cant think of anything else, so just stay lovely girls, kay? Kay.

aw hell yes

finally figured this bitch out thanks to the power of bing and sugar free red bull. Ive also added a new page--see that big blue thingy at the top of the screen--where you guys can find thinspo and cuteee pics!!

YAYAYAYAY I can sleep peacefully at night now.

Achy Breaky Toes

OOOH HI to my two new followers!!!!! Hee Hee I feel so special and grateful that you guys take the time to read about my boring life--I pwomise it will get mas interesante very soon--and even comment! It means so much to me--you don't even know.

Today: Food was good--I had cookies for lunch but they were strawberry cookies and I watched myself so I didnt eat too many (this was at work, so I was also pushing around big ass book carts--we call them "trucks"--so I prolly burned quite a few cals) and I had a really skinny piece of pizza for dinner. And oatmeal, of course. Can't go without my oats.

Meg and I had loads of fun--she is a thinspiration in real life. I swear, she has a TINY waist. It makes me feel like  a fat cow when I am standing next to her, but at least I dont feel tempted to binge when she is around, right?? Plus, she's really nice and stuff, so I want to hang around her. Unlike Molly, who is getting bitchier and ruder by the day.She is one of those girls that, when you are closer to her than others are, she acts meaner to you than others.

sdgkjasfodijlgd why did I ever try to be nice to her???

ANYWAY I am completely fucked over with this html junk. what I want is to have some pics on the left side of my blog--like under my about me section?--but I have no effing idea how to put them up. If you have the slightest inkling on how to do this PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE tell me!

I would love you forever.

Going to watch Spirited Away and drink some Diet Coke so I can stay awake until a decent time to go to bed.

LOVE YALL

Snow

Yeah its snowing...yaaayy...I cant GO anywhere. yaaayy.. If you can't tell, I dont care too much for snow. its so pretty when its first coming down and coating everything in sparkly glitter...and then the roads look like shit the next day when everything is muddy slush.

wish I had my super special christmas camera to take wintry pics--especially because Adeline, AliceD, and Bree at Hopes for Hipbones are holding a fabbity contest for winter photos--lil' shout out there ladies-but it is not christmas yet, so I do not have it

Sad face :C

I have been compiling all of  my thinspos today, so probably later on my blog will FINALLY look the way I want it to look like.

Not much done today..ventured into spencer gifts for a while, and then got scared away...watching E! TV--the epitome of class--right now. I will update more later on--when I get my proper blog ready.

Lots o' Love

Deeelicious Thinspo

Kind of an oxymoron, no?

As you can tell from this title, I will be posting thinspo later on.

Ive decided my calories for the day will now be in a little chart in the beginning of the blogs, with a little smiley face or mad face depending on the day. This will not be a long post as I am kicking myself trying to revamp this sexy page and make it mas lindo.

one of my all time fave thinspos..not necessarily because of the body..I dunno. It just hits me

NOT thinspo, but we all need a little jigglypuff

Sooo...Thinspo!!!!!

FailBlog

I failed my English Essay. That's right. I got a 68 % on an essay in my favorite subject. I spent about twenty minutes crying in the restrooms before I could go home, and be reminded by my mother that I have to go get bloodwork done today.

DID I MENTION I GAINED TWO POUNDS THIS MORNING?????? Despite eating nothing but lettuce and grilled chicken, and doing two exercise DVDs as well as jogging in the morning.

Sometimes, I think God gets bored and just wants to have a laugh with me. Well, O Almighty One, 'tis indeed the season of giving.

I have yet to binge, though, and today I have had oatmeal, a peanut butter sandwich, and a 35 cal wedge of swiss cheese.

Think I will make some coffee as well.

It is snowing here! It seems that the entire US is getting walloped with at least some flurries. I can only pray that it doesnt get ridiculous and knock our power our--how would I be able to google thinspo??!!!

Priorities, priorities. Anyhoo, I shall check in again later and tell you about my exciting new christmas gift!

Have a wonderful day!

Sunday Morn'

Hey all.
Last night was a mess, friend-wise.
I don't know what I was thinking, getting into this Molly situation.
I ALWAYS seem to end up being friend's with the most needy, insecure, and mean people. Molly is nice sometimes, but she just doesn't act like a friend. I am tired of being friendless and shat on. I want someone who is as nice to me as I am to them, and doesnt disregard my feelings.

We were on FB chat and she starts wailing on about her hair, la di da, and how she is going on a diet and cutting out junk foods and exercising and whatnot, and criticising me for being mean to a girl that she HATES, and I just realized what a bitch she is.

Trigger factor, too. UGH I can hardly explain it--I was feeling so desperate and fat and worthless because of her, and I realized that a friend is not someone who makes you feel that way.
She knows I have an ED, and yet she is always the one buying binge foods and going on about her weight.

If I had a "friend" with an ED, I would support her decision to get a salad instead of mozzerella sticks instead of forcing her to get the cheese sticks.

I would be okay with her not wanting to get a regular cherry coke at the movies and a diet coke instead.

I would UNDERSTAND that if I started to rag on about my weight and dieting, that it would undoubtedly make her feel like shit. (all of these things she has done.)

If this is a confusing post I am sorry. I am just SO PISSED OFF.

Finally, we were supposed to watch xmas movies at her house friday. she, instead, decided we were going to target and barnes and noble for four hours to shop for HER FAMILY WHO I DO NOT KNOW and then going to her house to watch movies. My mom was pissed, obvs. She gets in this huge fight with her dad while I am there, texts me about how she has "depression, like the disease" and I send her this long ass message on FB about how I am here for her and how I understand, and she does not thank me for it, but just says she is "Fiineee :)" the next day when I ask her how she is. and then she goes on about her weight and shit, while I sit there and squeeze the disgusting fat on my bloated stomach.

I swear, all she is depressed about is her GODDAMN haircut, which is the tiniest bit crooked.

I am probably being too mean, so feel free to say so.

Love to all, am going to go study now.

Sorry!

Ahh! SO hectic lately--I have attempted to keep up with all blogs, but I am afraid I fell shy of meeting that goal.

Anyway, I am back after a hard day of working hard (or hardly working) with my friend Meg. Shes this little slip of a thing who dances and sings, and is (hopefully) a real friend now. I need some of them--I have never had a "real best friend" since I was about 6. Is that pathetic?

We are going to be taking Zumba classes together at the YMCA now on Wednesdays. Fun exercise--Im all for it.

Were also going to see Tangled tomorrow! Yaaaay I was looking for a reason to see that sucker again.

Things arent going too well with Molly--my school friend. shes in fights with tons of people and I am afraid to say that some people are judging me just because I am nice to her. My mother hates her--she says she is exactly the kind of person that will get me into rehab or worse. Im kinda afraid to admit to myself, but it is true. She is a floozy. A wacko. But she needs friends! I cant be mean to her and just abandon her!!!! AHHHHHHH


How about some visuals? I took a pic for Anafly, so she could see my hair color. This, by the way, is in the book drop room in the dungeons of the library.

creeping

Scary!

Honking The Horn

Mmmkay. So today actually turned out well. More than well, actually.
When I turned on my tready this morning, I turned it up like .5 more speed than I usually do but I didnt notice due to the fact that I was jamming out to Eminem and Cobra Starship while jogging. So I burnt like an extra 60 cals!

Got an 87 on my Stats exam!!!!!!!!!!! Which means that I have bumped my grade in the class up to a 90, and need three more points for an A!!! I CAN DO IT.

I ate like, a 300 cal lunch. I had a perfect,  binge free day ALL BY MYSELF. I just feel so, proud (feel free to beat me if you feel like I am being snooty, but I am just so DAMN GRATEFUL) for not binging. Wonderful feeling.

My mom and I went to Ruby Tuesday (we had a coupon) and had some girl talk. then we went to Target (love that store) and did a bit of xmas candy shopping for me and my brother (I got some of those mini-santas, and they  are cookies n cream hershey santas, and some sour patch watermelons). So, I think we are good now.

Also, I stopped at the Humane Society after class and petted some lovely kitties! I wish wish wish I could get one, but I am slightly allergic and Mom wont really let me have one in the house :(

But they all had such sad little tags on their cages! This one that I loved--Fred--had  a little info tag that read "I am Fred, a cheerful and playful little boy! I was thrown out of a car here at the shelter. I don't know why anyone would do that. I hope I can come home with you forever!"

Fwed. He was trying to kiss me at the time I was taking his photograph

This is Theresa. She has the best little face ever!

WAHHHHHHHHH. The people that work there are bitches though. just saying.

I was 130.6 after my binge yesterday (EW) but considering that I was 134.4 last night after my binge, that is pretty good. I think I am going to start making goals for myself now, and I will post them up later.

Anyway, I really love hearing from you all. You guys just make my day. I love coming home and seeing a little number next to my comments button! Thank you all so much!

This is Me; I find I sometimes like to have a face to go with the words. Dear God, dont be blinded by my hideosity!

I am  off to buy some boots online--zappos.com bayyybeeee!!!

updates later!!!

I fail. SO SORRY for not keeping up with bloggies but as you know, I binged at lunch yesterday, binged at key club, and then got home and got in the HUGEST ASS FIGHT with my mom.

I:
Binged in front of her
Purged in front of her
Broke a remote over my head (I have bloody roots today)
Cut myself with an eyebrow plucker
Ran screaming around outside so not I have vicious wind burn

And I wrote her a letter at midnight and stuck it under her door. I promised to accept myself, accept the time that things take, and stop lying about my food and get back down to reality.

I guess it all turned out oKAY.

MORE LATER I AM LATE FOR CLASS I HATE SCHOOL SO FREAKIN MUCH

trapped in my own fridge.

I need some divine intervention here. Im home alone for lunch, and have had prolly a net total o 1000 cals and its only 11:00 am!!!!!! Ive been trying to make a day by myself binge-free, but I am having a sucky-ass time doing it.

Any suggestions, guys??? Just so you know, there is no food left in this  house. I am just eating for the sake of eating--no taste preferences here whatsoever.

I feel as though I will never be happy with myself.

WOW depressing post.
I shall be back later. Pray I dont eat anything else.

And so this is Christmas..

The neighborhoods are filled with cheery blow up santas, giant rudolphs in snowglobes, and tacky candy cane lights hanging from the gutters.

Wally mart is filled with christmas cheer--would you like a peanut butter reeses tree? while youre at it, grab yourself a holiday card with a picture of some mans junk on the front to give to that...special someone.

I  NEED A CHRISTMAS DETOX. My mom keeps asking me "what do I want for christmas because I have to get you SOMETHING for gods sake" and  I tell her I want a damned webcam and a cat.

"oh...well, thats not going to happen."

he he watch me. I have friends with money. I have money.  I can get my own damned presents.

Anyway, I was home alone (ohno) for lunch and I did pretty well. maybe an extra 100 cals that I wouldnt have consumed if my bro  or mom was herre, but its not a binge soo....food was good. having some graham crackers at the moment.

So the end of the year always makes me think about how old I am getting, and how my life is slipping away from me and how I always drag myself down in life with my weight, and I have decided that this is nawwt nawwwwwt nawwwwwwt gonna happen this year. I will be skinny, sexy, happy, and probably a lot more fun to hang with after I meet my goal!

In honor of my new goal, I will post some glam fabbity thinspo. I also reccomend that you check out failbook.com, which is prolly the funniest effing site I have stumbled upon in a while.

Not thinspo, but it is effing cute

You ladies keep kicking ass out there. Keep warm and cozy and STAY AWAY FROM THE EGGNOG.