URgh.

Hey all. Today was both wonderful and horrid. I worked 9-5 at the library and had an amazing time with my friends that work there. They had no food--only black coffee--so I felt like I was on a roll when I got home. Then my friends from school invited me to a Haunted House, but those plans fell through so we ended up chilling at my friends house for the night and I binged. Like, its so gross to think about afterward. I don't know if anyone can tell I'm binging because I chew slow and only keep one thing in my hand at a time, but whenever someone else gets up for food or not, I go and grab another reeses or kit kat or something. I told them that I'm on a meal plan and that I'm trying to get my weight up for a drs appointment next week so that they won't suspect me of binging. Otherwise, I had an awesome time. It was like a break from reality, and I hated seeing my own house when I drove home. Sometimes I wish I could live in that reality: sitting on a couch with Halloween candy with my friends, laughing and gossiping, and having them tell me that I'm skinny (No lie, they did. Made my night, but I know that if I keep binging I won't hear that anymore. :( ) This morning I was at my "binge" weight : 123.4, so hopefully tomorrow I will be back down to 121.8. I just want to get over this hump in my life and be happy. I'm so sick of causing problems for my family and SO sick of food. If I was alone, I probably wouldn't be eating just because after so many binges the thought of food disgusts me. But my mom wants me to eat, and when I eat, I just end up eating my feelings.

Blaggity blacghghhsadgh. Hate this part.